Runtime: Approx. 120 minutes
(By RE)

I’m an If-You’re-Going-To-Do-Something-Do-It-Right kind of guy. That’s why, if I’m with a chick, my cock has to go somewhere dark and moist. The handjob just doesn’t cut it for my. Why? Because it’s just masturbation and if I’m going to beat off, I’ll just do it myself and do it right. That said, “Fucked Up Handjobs #3” is all about tasty chicks beating guys off, plus they add the twist of the chicks denigrating the dudes while they stroke them off.

As the movie starts, we see probably the biggest budget expenditure in the history of porn a cake with Oreos on top and decorated to read “Fucked Up Handjobs #3” on the side. They didn’t even make it generic and just read “Fucked Up Handjobs” so they could use it in other editions. This one is just for this movie!

First up is Daisy Marie. She’s bitching about how bad porn is (I’d hate to get paid to have sex). After explaining the deep meaning behind her name (I don’t fucking care), she meets up with some dude wearing a ball gag. She verbally torments him during the scene, insulting him while jerking his cock. She slaps his face and at one point says he looks like a pig with an apple in his mouth. So that’s sort of the crux of the scene. She insults him, spits on his cock, and jerks it until he squirts.

Dylan Tyler is a cute blonde with a nice body and a great ass. Too bad we won’t be seeing it get fucked today. Anyway, she goes in a room with some dude in a Mexican wrestler’s mask to find another guy passed out. El Hombre writes on him with a magic marker (he writes “Bitch” on his forehead and draws a cock on his chest) while Dylan takes pictures. She joins with her own marker next, drawing and writing all over his body. He remains “passed out” for the whole scene while she gets him hard and jerks him off. It’s only toward the end when he comes to, she sits on his face and makes him cum.

Stephanie Cane is an okay looking brunette, and she gripes about how men are so dominant in the porn world. She wants to be a domme, so the director hooks her up with some dude in a box. He pokes his cock through a hole in the side and she strokes him off while talking shit. The whole domme thing doesn’t work, because really she’s dominating a box with a cock poking out of it. That’s it. That’s the scene. She jerks him off on her tits, and doesn’t really get as dominant as she led us to believe.

Alexa Jordan is sitting on a chair bitching at a dude playing Guitar Hero. Frankly, I don’t think anyone playing Guitar Hero should get rewarded by being jerked off. In fact, Alexa complains that he plays the game so much he doesn’t even fuck her anymore. Hey, Alexa, come over here. I promise I’d put down the game controller any time you want to get nasty. She finally takes things in her own hands (ha ha) and takes him into the kitchen, takes down his pants and start pulling his pud. She jerks him pretty much in silence until he cums on her face.

I’ve never seen Maya Gates before, but now I want to see everything she’s been in. She’s an amazingly gorgeous chick with a spectacular body. She’s asleep on a couch and the doughy dude from the last scene comes up and uses her hand to jerk him off. She wakes up and takes a more active role in his masturbation. The scene gets better as she strips down and sits on him, showing off her ass, pussy, and tits while she strokes. In the end, he cums on her tits. This scene pissed me off, because Maya is so hot I wanted to see her get drilled. All I got was to see her stroke off some little jerk.

Last up is Christine Alexis. She sort of looks like Paris Hilton, and that’s not a compliment. Doughboy comes in and tells her to hurry up. That pisses off Paris, I mean Christine, so to punish him, and she strokes him off. Of course. In the end, he cums on her hand.

Overall, this wasn’t such a great show. It was just C-list porno chicks (Except for Maya. I’m so gonna start stalking her now) jerking off some pudgy dude in a black shirt.


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